Monday, January 9, 2012

If You Really Knew Me

if you really knew'd know i'm easily distracted and i'm terrified of getting burned. you'd know i LOVE to sing and sing loud. dancing....dancing is a great past time, which goes great with laughing; also another LOVE of mine. you'd know my party side becomes to tender and i can not watch the sad animal commercials on tv that ask for my money because if i had the money, i would easily donate.

 if you really knew'd know i probably have little person's complex. i have to be bigger and better than everyone else. i want a big truck and i'm not afraid of big guys. you'd know i think i can beat anyone up if i let myself, but you'd also know i could never really hurt someone. you'd know i LOVE country. country everything from music to mud to trucks to boys with all of the above. i LOVE off roading in a truck or a four wheeler and the dirtier you get the more fun you had. also if you didn't have to put it in four wheel drive you did not go far enough. you would also know that i don't mind a good rap with eminem or any of his buddies though.

if you really knew'd know i let myself be used to easily and much too easily. i stuggle saying no to people especially boys because i do not like to let them down. it makes me sick to be in trouble or have someone mad at me. i like happiness and enjoy spreading the LOVE. you'd know there's probably a little slut in me but that i wish there wasn't, and that i'm truly scared no boy is ever going to love me for me. you'd know i'm a sucker for LOVE. LOVE songs, LOVE letters, falling in LOVE. i LOVE too easily but hurt too easily in return. i want LOVE so badly i think i let candied words and buttered lies convince me i have "LOVE" when i don't.

 if you really knew'd know i have been hurt too many times to count and forgotten even more. you'd know i have an ever growing SAD playlist on my ipod and listen to it much to often. i hate crying in front of people because i am bigger and better and should never let something that silly out in public. you'd know i cry quite a bit into my pillow and that sometimes i'm sure my pillow is my best friend, along with my jack russell, roxie. ice cream and a movie curled up on my bed is my idea of a good night, but LOVE to hit the town with some friends. 

 if you really knew'd know there is so much more to me than meets the eye and i'm always trying to improve, but quite often i fail. sometimes i try to be something i'm not. and what i am is a tender hearted, cowgirl redneck, curled up party gal. no matter the circumstance i provide the most fun possible. take it or leave it.

 if you really knew me.....would you want to?

Monday, January 2, 2012

Insanely Jealous

In Search Of Cinderella

From dusk to dawn,
From town to town,
Without a single clue,
I seek the tender, slender foot,
To fit the crystal shoe,
From dusk to dawn,
I try it on
Each damsel that I meet.
And I still love her so, but oh,
I've started hating feet.

Sheldon Allan Silverstein

Ugh how I feel this man's pain! You know boys are pretty stupid and they'll say just about anything to get what they want. I'm sweet, kind, fun and I look and look and I try and try and all I'm coming up with is that I have started hating "feet". Yet I keep going....this next poem also describes me perfectly!

Kick It Again

So you heard there was a spark of love that I have for you
You come back to kill it like you always do
You found it weak and tremblin' hangin' on just by a thread
And you kicked it choke it stepped on it and broke it left it half to death
Kick it again it's still breathing
Kick it again I think I seen it move just a little bitty
Kick it again it's still living
So kick it again and then again and then you'll kill my love for you

You're gonna have to do much more this time than a-make it crawl
A cheatin' on it doesn't seem to work at all
And it won't do no good to try to shame it to death
Cause it's raspin' gaspin' crawlin' callin' to you with each dying breath
Kick it again it's still breathing...

Sheldon Allan Silverstein

No matter how many times I seem to get hurt or used by not just men in general but the same man, I keep going back for more! You'd think I'd learn or he'd finally kick me to death. Though of recently one particular guy finally did it....he finally kicked me to death, but the funny thing is that I'm still breathing. I'm still living. What an idea, that I can still live without matter how many bruises I sustained, I am still living! Did I learn though? Well we'll have to see.....

I am very jealous of how Shel Silverstein writes because he has a sense of funny but puts quite serious ideas into his poems. Some of them are completely silly and simply fun while so many of them also have huge double meanings. People love and hate Shel, but I am a huge fan! So much so that I wish I could have his talent, and he would die;) haha Still I wish that I could master seriousness while seeming to write something silly and short.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Shake It!

To the muffin top, Get Lost!!!! 

Women with the muffin top, don't give up hope.
Drink lots of water. 
Sing your favorite song till you're hoarse.


I know tonight is not the last time I'll see the light, but it may be the last time I see your deep eyes in it.
I keep forgetting to forget you, or should I remember you so that I can look back and know? I keep forgetting we're out of milk so I still pour my bowl of cereal then I get so furious we have no milk I stuff the cereal back in the box. I keep forgetting to add enough chocolate to my boiling water, and that we have no milk to make it creamier. Do I keep forgetting these simple things because I'm trying to forget that you were the one who taught me to make my hot chocolate creamier with milk? When will we own ourselves completely, like when will I finally own up to the fact that I broke mom's lamp and not my little brother, or that I haven't posted this because I was just being to lazy? Why do we not own up to our actions?! Our actions make us who we are so that one day we can own ourselves and not have to answer to our debts or lies. Why do I keep forgetting we have no milk?! Is it because we have so much cereal I just assume we have milk to go with it? Also that I rarely drink chocolate milk because it reminds me of you....chocolate in general reminds me of you. Who doesn't like chocolate?! Who would prefer vanilla over chocolate? This girl......I can't forget that I would get a vanilla cone and you chocolate and I would steal a few licks here and there just for that little bit of chocolate which goes a long way.....too much of anything might go a long way. Except milk.

Monday, November 28, 2011

My Journey

There comes a time in your life when moving becomes more than just a new house, or new school. It means saying goodbye to too many people and leaving a home you love. Of course your parents tell you that making new friends will be easy because you are such an energetic outgoing person, but that doesn't take away your pain.

 I spent four years after my family's move to Utah from Texas friendless. Spending most of my time playing softball, reading or my average of three movies a day. Even after finally moving into our own house in Cedar Hills I struggled to make friends because my scabs from leaving my two besties in Texas had just barely turned to scars and I did not think I could endure any more heartache. My parents were my best friends until they decided it was time I tried a little bit harder. 

I don't know what compelled me to continue texting him that warm summer night but I did, and I will be forever grateful.
Not only was he easy to talk to but he was sweet and hilariously witty.
I never thought I could have a friend that close ever again.
Our chatter turned into a relationship and we spent every moment we could together while still accomplishing all our ordinary tasks.
Of course there were some hiccups to overcome....the fact that I was 16 and he was 18 and graduated was kind of a big one. My parents were hesitant as were his, but we both showed such responsibility that it worked out. 
 So we had four months of complete bliss and happiness. Neither one of us had sparkled this much in too long. 
 Until he started to step back a little. I should have read the signs better but I was "blinded by love". 
Why didn't I recognize the approach of some bigger ordeal??
Five days before my 17th birthday, he broke up with me. It was extremely rough and I spent many hours shedding buckets and buckets of tears. 
Waking up each morning with puffy eyes and a blaring headache for weeks. 
Finally as the agony subsided I could see more clearly that this wasn't all in vain, but that I had retained something he taught me. People (guys) do like me and that I can put myself out there again. 

The road back was still a treacherous one as I could not manage to lift the heartache from my soul, or heal the cracks where his words buried themselves. I did not know why, but I knew I had to be done with it. Six months later I receive a very large and heartfelt text from him. Purely of my own design did I choose to text him back. It was extremely perilous for my well being and delicate work in rekindling a friendship with him, but I have managed to do it. Though as I continue on in my life, I still look at it as a great learning experience. Painful as it was and still may be; I am now stronger because of it, whether I believe it or not.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Ordinary World

I am almost 18. I have been in love and might still love him. I have an amazing best friend who on occasion drives me crazy. I go to school, clean the kitchen and go to work. Emily and I are practically glued together at the hip.
I eat,
and  breathe softball.
I crave the feeling of adrenaline and exhilaration every time I walk out on the field. 
It's my release, 
my escape,
my freedom.
It is something to focus on without having to remember I just got yelled at, or that I bombed my last history test. Both my parents work a lot, so my life seems to revolve around my little brother. Making sure he gets from here to there. Are his chores done? Did he do his homework? 

Pretty ordinary wouldn't you say? 

But if Emily died, I would die
If one of my parents died, I wouldn't know how to survive
If I became crippled....I can't even imagine...
I would have no purpose. How could I live? 

On the other hand......I graduate this year! 
What if Em and I move in with her sister? 
I am going off to college, how will I handle myself? 
I am growing I ready?

Monday, November 7, 2011


Young, Wild, and Free: Wiz  Kalifa
Wiz and Snoop could care less about who watches them live their life. So WHAT they get drunk, and smoke weed, and go out because their just living young, wild and free. Wiz thinks that this is what high school is all about while Snoop wants to grow out of his peach fuzz, but both of them love messing around too much to ever grow up.

You Lie: The Band Perry
Poor sweet Miss Molly thought she had picked the perfect man, till she found him sulking around like a crow with backstabbing Betty. She should have read the signs better but not only had Molly and Chad been dating for a year and a half but they were engaged to be married at her daddy's ranch in September. After much heartache and tears Molly finally does what she should have done a long time ago.

Starts With Goodbye: Carrie Underwood
While Sam can't see what is still to come, she is faced with a tough decision of whether or not it's time to move on with her life. She can't picture herself without him, but she can't help but feel something better is out there. Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye, even if it means having to cry.